The Funeral

So today they filed Uncle Johnny away under "D" for dead. Or maybe "deceased" sounds a bit more civilized. We must have driven about 100 miles today for the event. Started this morning as the Mister and I dashed thru McDonalds drive-thru to snatch up some Egg McMuffins on our way to picking up Ma and Pa by 9:30 AM. Then off to the funeral home to bid U.J. a final farewell. Lots of tears and hugs of relatives I haven't seen since they had hair on their heads. Out to the car with the little funeral home flag fluttering on the side of the car as we were Car #8 in the procession. The Mister got all flustered cause couldn't find the blinky hazard lights we had to flash for the entire trip to the church, which was like 10 miles away. My mother did her back seat driving and we got into our usual shout fest.

Then, into the church for the funeral mass. The Mister begged me to sit in the back but the usher shoved us into the third row. First time I'd sat through a Mass in years but all the words and actions came flooding back, as I mentioned yesterday, it's like the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Shit, and I normally can't even remember what I did yesterday...

The priest had a hoop earring in each ear, long-ish shaggy hair, and must have been a theatrical wannabe. He strutting around the alter like Hamlet, flinging his hands and adjusting the microphone so we got the full benefit of his impassioned sermon about a guy he never met. He bowed down before the alter so low and so long that I joked to the Mister that he must be tying his shoes. The Mister was in awe, he'd never gotten the full benefit of the Catholic thing. This must have been a High Mass, Hamlet seemed to love the sound of his own voice as he sung absolutely everything he could. Waving that stinky incense around probably added to the "high" effect.

During the communion hymn, I whispered to Pappy and asked if we have to go through all this hoopla when we put him away someday. He said to just chuck him over the hill somewhere and save the cash. That's my Pa, all right.

So then, it was back in the car, and another 10-15 miles to the cemetery, where we all filed into a chapel where Hamlet showed up out of costume and performed some more holy theatrics. It took a whole five minutes, and back in the car and off to the reception which was a block from the funeral home, where this all started from. Did I mention I used a half tank of gas today?

The kicker was getting Ma in and out of the car each time. My Soob has four doors, but she has two knee replacements and her legs don't bend well, so we almost needed a forklift. After we ate, out came the cameras and we all took pictures so we'd recognize each other at the next funeral, I guess. I collected some e-mail addresses for posting and sharing pictures. The next stop was off to a visit with my Aunt the Nun who lives in a Passionist Cloister, therefore was not present for any of this and did not get to see any of the aforementioned relatives from Afar. I would have gone as all us long-lost cousins were finally starting to feel comfortable talking to each other beyond the formalities, but the Mister had had enough of my relatives for one day. Cousin Billy unwittingly volunteered to ferry Ma and Pa to the Visit for us (he's probably regretting it right about now), so we were able to escape alone and head for home.

I feel kinda bad I didn't get to talk to some of my aunts and cousins very much, but that's how it goes at these things. Ah well, until the next death...
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